Friday, March 18, 2011

A Moth Edging Towards The Flame..

First off,

Last start with an old song i heard on the radio recently...

A song from Gary Moore..
And no.. don't get any ideas...




Another song from Rondaan Salji...



The perfect words never crossed my mind
Cause there was nothing in there but you
I felt every ounce of me , screaming out
But the sound was trapped deep in me

All I wanted just sped right past me
But I was rooted fast to the eart
I could be stuck here for a thousand years
Without your arms to drag me out

There you are , standing right in front of me
There you are , standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away, you leave me naked
Hold me close , cause I need you to guide me to safety

No, I won't wait forever
No, I won't wait forever

In the confusion and the aftermath
You are my Signal fire
The only resolution and the only joint
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes

There you are , standing right in front of me
THere you are, standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away, You leave me naked
Hold me close , cause I need you to guide me to safety

There you are , standing right in front of me
THere you are, standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away, You leave me naked
Hold me close , cause I need you to guide me to safety

No , I won't wait forever
No , I won't wait forever
No , I won't wait forever

_______________________________________________

My oldest friend... - Azamil Izzat...

- recently my friend celebrated his 27th birthday on the 24th of February..
up to date he's been my oldest friend.. and no one will be taking him anytime soon.. hahaa
- i met azamil when we were in standard 1.. we were in the same class from standard 1 -5 and in standard 6 we were in different classes..
- We were also then in the same class until Form 3 .. both of us went to Seaport when in 1998 we went our separate ways.. he went to MCKK .. i went to MRSM Jasin..
- I don't really see him much nowadays.. maybe every 4-6 months.. Last year i went down to KK with Mior and Nik to visit him.. It was fun.. 4 kepala bengong in the same place.. haha masa tuh siap suruh die tgk2 kan houses to rent in Labuan.. a bit the loser..
-Last time around.. most of the time i would copy his Agama homework and he would copy my BI homework..
- It' s been 20 years.. and that is a very very very very long time..
- We don't talk much.. but everytime we do.. we're on the same wavelength..
Anyway mate.. happy birthday.. and here's to you reminding me every month of your birthday.. bangkai.. haha
__________________________________________

Operation Eagle...

- currently i'm trying to trace 2 of my friends.. Mawardi and Ameer..
-Ameer at least i have his phone number , the problem lies with Mawardi.. he's in the wind.. untraceable.. in a way.. uncontactable..
- I'm trying to arrange a reunion for the six of us..
- Me , Zakuan and Iqbal Saidi are game for it.. Baras has a bit of commitment issues seeing that he's in Penang now..

Venues - hmmm hard to choose.. would depend on whether i'm able to contact those two..
Miri may be a bit too costly for everyone.. Maybe Penang or even the eastern side of Malaysia..

I'm really2 hoping this comes off.. I at least want to meet the five of them before we go on our way in life..

while sifting through my old friendster account.. i came across this..
The about me and a subsequent description.. tk ingat sape yg tulis.. it was so long ago..


1.hyperemetic.
2.sensitif terhadap perkataan n**b*ll..
3.menubuhkan tabung kebajikan demi kemaslahatan diri-e.g isi minyak kereta,membeli komik,etc..
4.menghalusinasikan diri sebagai HoTties..
5. menamakan tempat kediaman e.g- villa c**t* keny*r..
6.gatal2 yg berpanjangan..
7.kecenderungan mengugut teman2 dgn menggunakan cuaca sbg faktor.
8.selalu bersedih - (melancholy temperament)
9.cenderung utk terjun dari balkoni pada malam sblm peperiksaan.
_________________________________________

Operation Aussie..
- this project is on ice.. no one is really actively moving to make this project work.. hahaha
probably when i'm much more stable in Temerloh.. and have access to a better internet connection.. i'll look into it insya-Allah
_______________________________________________
Operation Malaysia..

-well.. JB is done.. now on to Singapore pulak.. which technically is not Malaysia then rite..
-hmmm i'm thinking of kangar... kelantan and maybe sibu or miri whichever one where gabbymon is in.. just to finish my credit shell.. hahaha
_______________________________________________

Operation Turkey or Operation Birmingham

- i am actually thinking of birm or turkey..probably either one.. maybe both kalu takda kerja sangat kan..
- i really want to go for a match in liverpool either that or go to turkey.. i vaguely remember my last visit to turkey.. still remember going to the blue mosque.. it's a beautiful country.. tapi tuh la.. nak carik travel companion susah pulak.. sebab price for turkey is higher end la sikit kot..
- we'll just see how things pan out

_________________________________________________
Operation Japan

- due to recent developments.. this will be put on hold for awhile probably..
- i'm not sure whether the trip will be on or not..
- i have a 3400 ringgit in credit shell under my name.. had some trouble getting that credit shell even.. after a 40 ringgit call only did i manage to get that.. nasib baik.. if not it meant i had to deal with an unsavoury character to get my money back..

_________________________________________________

Temerloh - a sufficient distraction for now..

- in truth i'm bored..
- i'm pissed with the work culture
- for now.. it's proving a sufficient distraction.. but something is missing.. and i can't really quite put a finger on what it is..
- humans will never be satisfied kan? haha
________________________________________________

Tearing my left TFCC and injuring my right DRUJ ligament..

- i think i tore my left TFCC ligament when i played during my last futsal tournament.. can't really remember if i was hit on my hand.. as usual during a tournament.. things happen so fast.. you can't really remember anything in those adrenaline filled moments..
- well anyway.. now i can't really lift anything heavy with my left hand without it being painful.. reduced power during palmarflexion.. and it's not really improving for the past 2months..
bosannye nak habiskan duit for MRI... i had already planned to do an MRI for my left shoulder, back and now have to consider my left wrist lak.. haha maybe next year..

well my right DRUJ joint feels much better.. it felt a bit lax last time.. after the fall masa 'ice skating' - that was a fiasco.. haha

___________________________________________________

A moth edging towards the flame... and the virtues of decisiveness..

Maybe being decisive is a curse..
but i pity the people who have problems making a decision.. living in uncertainty.. unsure of what to do..unable to commit to a decision.. i knew someone like that once.. she couldn't make a decision due to some misguided believe that she was showing me mercy.. that's bullshit..
Haha maybe what kak azlin said to me was true.. but me being the persistent fool that i am.. will just always do what i want.. haha

I am not one to flip-flop with my decisions..
Sure i make stupid ones.. but i stick to it.. haha
I fear i may have made another one.. but i'm content with it..
I wouldn't have it any other way..
At times i think i'm just too foolish for my own good..
Unfortunately , i'm just wired that way..
I believe there's no other way to live life..
Never compromise.. compromising is just for wussies.. those who flip flop in life.. undecided and just following the flow
You have to do what you want.. even though it feels stupid and foolish..
It's about being true to yourself.. it's about living..

Every man dies. Not every man really lives
- William Wallace -

I have my crappy moments.. but i'll survive..
THe improtant thing is.. never be a victim.. be a survivor..
Whenever you have feelings of self-pity for yourself.. stamp it out.. it's pathetic..
i do not want to do anything that may result in things that even i can't repair/fix..
i can mend myself as much as i want.. but other people.. i don't want to..
I'm not breaking things that even i can't mend..
in the end, it feels like i'm digging the grave deeper and deeper..
haha but who cares...
in the end .. i just do what i want and what makes me happy.. even though for a fleeting moment..

it's just like a moth edging towards the flame..
let's just enjoy it while we can..

I just do my best and hope for the best..
We can't always get what we want.. but what we can do is just do the best..
I'll just do my best and hope someday it comes off .. insya-Allah..

If being decisive is a curse...I am fairly happy with it..
Yeah.. at times it can be crappy..
Heck who cares..
Only time will tell..
Only God Knows Why i follow this road..
Wallahuwa'lam..
For even i am unsure at times..



Monologue by Ted Mosby -
Unfinished. Gaudí, to his credit, never gave up on his dream. But that's not usually how it goes. Usually it isn't a speeding bus that keeps the brown, pointy, weird church from getting built. Most of the time it's just too difficult, too expensive, too scary. It's only once you've stopped that you realise how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it's always there. And until you finish it, it will always be...

-------------------------------------------------------

There's just something about his voice that shivers the heart...



A string of quotes from John Eldredge..

In the heart of every man is a desperate desire for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.

I want to live my whole life like that. I want to love with much more abandon and stop waiting for others to love me first.

Life is not a problem to be solved; it is an adventure to be lived. A man just won't be happy until he's got adventure in his work, in his love and in his spiritual life..

When it comes to living and loving, what's required is a willingness to jump in with both feet and be creative as you go

-John Eldredge-
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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Feeling a bit under the weather.. and a story...



Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Under The Bridge..

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel like my only friend
Is the city I live in, the city of angels
Lonely as I am, together we cry

I drive on her streets 'cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills 'cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds and she kisses me windy
I never worry, now that is a lie

Well, I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way
I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way
Yeah, yeah, yeah

It's hard to believe that there's nobody out there
It's hard to believe that I'm all alone
At least I have her love, the city she loves me
Lonely as I am, together we cry

Well, I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way
Well, I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day
Take me to the place I love, take me all the way
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Hold me, oh no, no, yeah, yeah
Love me, I say yeah, yeah
(Under the bridge downtown)
(Is where I drew some blood)
Is where I drew some blood

(Under the bridge downtown)
(I could not get enough)
I could not get enough

(Under the bridge downtown)
(Forgot about my love)
Forgot about my love

(Under the bridge downtown)
(I gave my life away)
I gave my life away

Yeah, yeah, yeah
(Away)
No, no, no, yeah, yeah
(Away)
No, no, I say, yeah, yeah
(Away)
Here I stay.

______________________________________________________________

Haha probably the next one is a sort of generic prayer.. not intended for anyone in particular..

a song for the faithful..



I've seen what you can do
I've seen you make miracles and hopeless dreams come true
You've made the heavens and the stars
Everything,
come on how hard
Could it be?

________________________________________________

I'm suddenly moved to write about my grandfathers.. in particular atuk Baba..
Well.. i did only ever meet only one of my grandfathers.. his name was Baba bin Arshad..
He was the grandfather on my mother's side..
This year is the 20th anniversary that he left us..

I did not have the chance to meet my grandfather on my father's side and my grandmother on my mother's side..

I have 3 grandmothers.. 2 direct grandmothers and another one is a step grandmother.. Atuk Babay remarried after his first wife passed away due to oesophageal cancer...

Well enough of digressing..
The only thing i remember of Atuk Baba was that he had a temper.. as per many of our family members.. maybe it's a Malacca thing kot..
He was not really and expressive person.. He was quite stern with his children..
To think of it.. he rarely smiled much.. either he was frowning.. or he had a neutral expression je.. or maybe i can't remember much as i was still a child..
But he loved his grandchildren dearly..
Anytime we would go back to Malacca.. he would complain of us not informing him before coming back.. He'll take his old bike and cycle to town to buy us nasi lemak packets..
Haha my grandfather nih kuat berdehem.. if he didn't like something mula la die..

I don't really have much of a recollection of him..
It's been 2 years since i've had the chance to visit his grave .. which is a normal ritual for our family during raya.. During raya we would always visit the graves of my grandfather and grandmother who is laid to rest next to my Pak Long..
My Pak Long passed away earlier than my grandfather..
We would go at 6.00a.m. in the morning .. and one of the elder cousins would bawakkan tahlil for us then..

He was a very hardworking man, by profession he was a carpenter.. but he also had his own paddy field and some cattle.. He passed away in 1991..
He was working in his 'kebun' , trying to get rid of some bamboo trees, he set it on fire and unfortunately he was stuck in it as it spread to fast.. He succumbed due to injuries sustained in the fire.. I remember we rushed back to Malacca that afternoon and he passed away somewhere before Maghrib.. My family proceeded with the pengebumian that night.. i remember being in the graveyard at midnight.. and the person yang talkinkan dia was Allayarham Sidi Abdul Rashid( who i also miss greatly ) - Sidi Rashid told us that my grandfather meninggal dalam keadaan syahid kecil ( due to the fire ) ...

It is a pity i was not able to get to know him better.. as i was still a child then.. haha when i was little.. they called me Pewai.. as i was not able to walk until i was 2 years old..

Atuk Baba,
Dah 20 tahun atuk pegi..
Moga2 atuk ditempatkan di kalangan org2 yg beriman insya-Allah..


Al- Fatihah kepada..
Nenek Majun ( who is my great grandmother ) -passed away in 1997 due to PGU..
Atuk Daud - passed away long before i was born due to leukaemia..
Nenek Siti - passed away due to oesophageal cancer. she was an adopted daughter from a chinese family.. so i'm 1/8 chinese la konon..
Wo Besar.. - my step grandmother.. passed away circa 1998-99
Pak Long Ripin..
Mak Ngah Limah and Pak Ngah Rahman..
Pak Lang Mat..
Sidi Abdul Rashid
And to all my family members and semua muslimin muslimat..

May Allah bless your souls and shower HIS divine Mercy on all of you
Insya- Allah..
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Sunday, March 13, 2011

Al-Mulk ( The Dominion)

I've inadvertently turned into an insufferable whiner..
And the fact is i hate whiners..
I'm not liking the person who i've become..
At times i feel i've made some people uncomfortable with that whining phase..
I became insufferable.. well no more of that..
Let's withdraw back a few paces and close up shop..
No more whining..
No more complaining..
No more gossiping.. hahaha
Let's revert to normal service..
I feel now.. i've passed the 5 stages and i'm finished with anger..
The heart feels lighter..
just some residual animosity which is normal..
It's time for spring cleaning of the heart..

This is a Surah that i learned by heart once upon a time..
Somehow.. somewhere it's no longer there in my heart.....
which is saddening..
So let's get it back in there - Insya-Allah..

In the name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful

Blessed is He in Whose hand is the Sovereignty, and, He is Able to do all things. (1)
Who hath created life and death that He may try you which of you is best in conduct; and He is the Mighty, the Forgiving, (2)
Who hath created seven heavens in harmony. Thou (Muhammad) canst see no fault in the Beneficent One's creation; then look again: Canst thou see any rifts? (3)
Then look again and yet again, thy sight will return unto thee weakened and made dim. (4)
And verily We have beautified the world's heaven with lamps, and We have made them missiles for the devils, and for them We have prepared the doom of flame. (5)
And for those who disbelieve in their Lord there is the doom of hell, a hapless journey's end! (6)
When they are flung therein they hear its roaring as it boileth up, (7)
As it would burst with rage. Whenever a (fresh) host is flung therein the wardens thereof ask them: Came there unto you no warner? (8)
They say: Yea, verily, a warner came unto us; but we denied and said: Allah hath naught revealed; ye are in naught but a great error. (9)
And they say: Had we been wont to listen or have sense, we had not been among the dwellers in the flames. (10)
So they acknowledge their sins; but far removed (from mercy) are the dwellers in the flames. (11)
Lo! those who fear their Lord in secret, theirs will be forgiveness and a great reward. (12)
And keep your opinion secret or proclaim it, lo! He is Knower of all that is in the breasts (of men). (13) Should He not know what He created? And He is the Subtile, the Aware. (14)
He it is Who hath made the earth subservient unto you, so Walk in the paths thereof and eat of His providence. And unto Him will be the resurrection (of the dead). (15)
Have ye taken security from Him Who is in the heaven that He will not cause the earth to swallow you when lo! it is convulsed? (16)
Or have ye taken security from Him Who is in the heaven that He will not let loose on you a hurricane? But ye shall know the manner of My warning. (17)
And verily those before them denied, then (see) the manner of My wrath (with them)! (18)
Have they not seen the birds above them spreading out their wings and closing them? Naught upholdeth them save the Beneficent. Lo! He is Seer of all things. (19)
Or who is he that will be an army unto you to help you instead of the Beneficent? The disbelievers are in naught but illusion. (20)
Or who is he that will provide for you if He should withhold His providence? Nay, but they are set in pride and frowardness. (21)
Is he who goeth groping on his face more rightly guided, or he who walketh upright on a straight road? (22)
Say (unto them, O Muhammad): He it is who gave you being, and hath assigned unto you ears and eyes and hearts. Small thanks give ye! (23)
Say: He it is Who multiplieth you in the earth, and unto Whom ye will be gathered. (24)
And they say: When (will) this promise (be fulfilled), if ye are truthful? (25)
Say: The knowledge is with Allah only, and I am but a plain warner; (26)
But when they see it nigh, the faces of those who disbelieve will be awry, and it will be said (unto them): This is that for which ye used to call. (27)
Say (O Muhammad): Have ye thought: Whether Allah causeth me (Muhammad) and those with me to perish or hath mercy on us, still, who will protect the disbelievers from a painful doom? (28)
Say: He is the Beneficent. In Him we believe and in Him we put our trust. And ye will soon know who it is that is in error manifest. (29)
Say: Have ye thought: If (all) your water were to disappear into the earth, who then could bring you gushing water? (30)



Fadhilat membaca Surah Al-Mulk

Surah Al Mulk adalah surah keamanan dan keselamatan, kerana ia menyelamatkan pembaca-pembacanya dari siksa kubur. Sejarah telah membuktikan seperti yang berlaku di zaman Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi Wasallam. Ibnu Abbas menceritakan:

"Pernah suatu ketika setengah para sahabat berkhemah di atas kubur. Mereka sebenarnya tidak menyangka tempat itu adalah kubur. Setelah beberapa ketika berada di dalam khemah, mereka tiba-tiba terdengar suara orang membaca Surah Al Mulk dari mula hinggalah akhirnya. Suara itu datangnya dari dalam tanah. Tahulah mereka, sebenarnya mereka sedang berkhemah di atas kubur. Kemudian hal itu diadukan kepada Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi Wasallam lalu baginda bersabda yang bermaksud: "Surah Al Mulk adalah surah pelepasan kerana ia menghindar pembacanya dari azab neraka."

Meskipun begitu, Surah Al Mulk juga mempunyai kelebihan-kelebihan yang lain. Di sini penulis bentangkan sebahagian daripadanya sahaja. Diantaranya:

1. Abu Hurairah meriwayatkan hadis, katanya yang bermaksud: "Sesungguhnya di dalam Al-Quran itu, ada satu surah yang mengandungi 30 ayat, ia mensyafaat bagi lelaki yang membacanya. Maka selagi mana lelaki itu membacanya, selagi itu pula ia meminta ampun unutuknya. Surah itu ialah surah Al Mulk."

2. Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi Wasallam bersabda yang bermaksud: "Surah Al Mulk itu memelihara dan menghindarkan pembacanya dari azab kubur."

3. Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi Wasallam bersabda yang bermaksud: "Aku sungguh gembira, sekiranya orang mukmin sentiasa membaca surah Al Mulk sehingga seolah-olah surah itu tertulis di dalam hatinya."

4. Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi Wasallam bersabda yang bermaksud: "Barangsiapa membaca surah Al Mulk setiap malam, diselamatkannya dari azab kubur."

5. Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi Wasallam bersabda yang bermaksud: "Sesiapa membaca surah Al Mulk pada mana-mana malam, nescaya datang ke dalam kuburnya surah itu sebagai pengganti untuk bersoal jawab dengan Munkar Nakir.

6. Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi Wasallam bersabda yang bermaksud: "Sesungguhnya di dalam Al-Quran ada satu surah yang terkandung 30 ayat. Surah itu ialah surah Al Mulk. Ia akan datang kepada pembacanya untuk membantu bersoal jawab dalam kubur sehinggalah mereka selamat masuk ke dalam Syurga."

7. Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi Wasallam bersabda yang bermaksud: "Sebahagian surah-surah yang terdapat di dalam Al-Quran ada satu surah yang mengandungi 30 ayat. Surah itu surah Al Mulk. Ia memberi syafaat kepada orang yang membacanya dengan mengeluarkannya dari Neraka dan memasukkannya ke dalam Syurga."

8. Ulama berkata: "Sesungguhnya Rasulullah Shallallahu 'Alaihi Wasallam tidak akan beradu melainkan setelah membaca surah As Sajadah dan surah Al Mulk."

9. Ulama berkata: "Sesungguhnya surah Al Mulk itu melepaskan pengamal-pengamalnya dari kena azab. Ia akan bersoal jawab pada hari kiamat di hadapan tuhan kerana menuntut kelepasan mereka yang mengamalkannya dari azab api Neraka."

10. Saiyidina 'Ali berkata: "Barangsiapa mengamalkan surah Al Mulk, nescaya dibawa ia pada hari kiamat di atas sayap malaikat serta wajahnya yang cantik seperti nabi Yusuf."

11. Ulama berkata: "Sesungguhnya surah Yasin dan surah Al Mulk terkandung di dalamnya beberapa rahsia dan kelebihan. Barangsiapa mengamalkannya nescaya ia mendapat rahsia-rahsia dan kelebihan-kelebihan itu serta dikasihi oleh semua manusia dan juga menjadi hebat pada pandangan makhluk."

12. Saiyidina 'Abdullah bin Abbas berkata: "Barangsiapa membaca surah Al Mulk sehingga menjadi amalan wiridnya, nescaya ia mendapat bantuan dan pertolongan dari Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala di dalam kuburnya. Bila azab hendak datang ke pihak kepala, terdengar satu seruan: "Tidak boleh engkau datang ke pihak kepala ini kerana ada surah Al Mulk."
Begitulah keadaanya bila azab itu pergi ke pihak kaki dan perutnya. Kerana semuanya mengandungi surah Al Mulk."

And finally..
"Daripada anas Ibnu Malik berkata: Nabi SAW telah bersabda:"Sesungguhnya seorang lelaki yang sebelum kamu telah meninggal dan tidak ada bersamanya daripada kitab Allah kecuali "tabaarakal-Lazi".

Maka apabila di masukkan ke dalam lubang kubur, datanglah kepadanya malaikat. Maka surah itu telah menahan wajahnya dan malaikat berkata pada surah itu. Sesungguhnya kamu adalah kitab Allah dan saya tidak mahu menyusahkan kamu, sesungguhnya saya tidak boleh memberi kepada kamu dan kepada dia, dan kepada saya kemudharatan atau kemanfaatan.

Sesungguhnya jika kamu hendak memberi manfaat kepada si mati, jadi pergilah menemui Allah SWT. Dan mintaklah syafaat daripadaNya. maka dia (surah al Mulk) pun menemui Allah.
"Wahai Tuhanku, si fulan ini(si mati),dia pilih saya dalam kitabmu dan da pelajari saya dan dia membaca saya,bolehkah wahai Allah,Engkau membakarnya dan menyeksanya, walhal saya di dalam dadanya? Maka jika Engkau ingin berbuat demikian,jadi padamlah saya dari kitabmu.
Dan Allah berfirman:"Aku nampak kamu marah."
Dia menjawab(surah) : "Sesungguhnya saya marah."
Allah SWT berfirman:"Pergilah sesungguhnya Aku memberi Dia kepada kamu dan kamu menjadi syafaat ke atasnya."


ٱهۡدِنَا ٱلصِّرَٲطَ ٱلۡمُسۡتَقِيمَ

A beautiful composition from Ennio Morricone...
The final song for Cinema Paradiso.. an old movie..
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My wish..

Firstly , i would like to wish a happy birthday to kak meha..
even tho a bit late..
Happy birthday kak Meha..
as i know she's shy.. so no pictures then.. haha

on another note..
Hospital Temerloh is growing onto me..
Just need to find a few friends..
I'm a bit bored... huhu
missing a few people..
yep pathetic i know..
not in the right frame of mind..
thankfully orthopaedic has provided a nice distraction..

anyway..

i would just like to post this song..



I would like to dedicate this song to ..
first .. kdija..
stay strong.. keep your chin up..
we'll be here for you if you need us

secondly..
to ainon..
i've decided to let go of all the bitterness pent up..
i hope you forgive me for all the wrongs that i've done and for all the grief..
i'm just human and i am fallible..
i hope we never cross paths again.. in this world or the next..
have a good life..
i hope you find what you're looking for..

3rd..
hmmm to minah tepi laut(which is an oxymoron)
trying to rein in the crush..
i have a feeling someone knows.. haha not to worry..
i'll probably just stand here quietly in the corner.. and just stay mum...
haha i'm just stumped.. so no more comment



People talk about the guy that's waiting on a girl
There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world

I'm not moving...

We get what we deserve in life..
For now i persevere...

- The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?-
-Kahlil Gibran-
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Tuesday, March 08, 2011

stuckey.. fixated



Fixations are dangerous...
I'm not really sure of how to go about it though... or around it and avoid it all together...
that wouldn't be fun then..

Grrrr i'm so damn frustrating...

Admiration is the emotion furthest from comprehension.
- Sosuke Aizen -
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Tuesday, March 01, 2011

An old favourite...

If- by Rudyard Kipling..

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

p/s - i love poetry.. too bad i suck at writing them.. hahaha let's not unleash what i write into the world..

------------------------------------------------------

I'm addicted to this song...

One Republic- Say ( All I Need)

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it

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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I hope to dance... someday...

  • It builds character..
Hahaha, i'm still reminded of this catchphrase..
I'm an avid fan of Calvin and Hobbes - it was one of the first books that made me fell in love with comics...
Reading the exploits of Calvin and the things that his 'Dad' attempts to build character in Calvin..
I always wondered what character meant..
Was it important?
I didn't really place much thought into it..
But after 26 years*uhuk*fairly young*uhuk* , i've got some insight to what's the importance of character..

That's why i know.. My character will pull me through all this..
In my opinion .. i've pulled through and i've survived..
Alhamdulilah , with the grace of The Most Merciful and Most Benovalent.

Hmmm.. i've lost my train of thought.....
Probably , in a way what i'm trying to say is that..
I've been disappointed numerous times in my life..
But i've never really let that pull me down..
I refuse to let disappointment drag me down and put a damper on my life..
For all the disappointments i've been through , i've never been disappointed with HIM..
HE takes care of me.. without fail.. even when i do my stupid level best to disappoint HIM..
That's why my faith is as strong as ever..
HE does what is best for me..

Honestly , i've done my fair share wrongs in life..
I'm not really the model person..
I know this.. and this is still and ongoing reparative/remedial process..
But that is between me and HIM..

Haha when i was a child.. i only ever had 4 ambitions/aspirations..
You may think that i'm lying.. but this is truth.. it's up to you to believe me or not..
1) To be a soldier... hmmmmmmm
2) To become a semi-professional footballer - at the time it was a semi-pro league.. to a degree i'm still living this dream.. haha just that i'm not earning any money for it
3) My God , this is corny, but the third one was to fall in love with someone who would love me back.. and to have a loving family..
*Pukes for a few minutes*
4) To be close to God..

That's why i always tell people, i'm a very simple person , who doesn't really want much from life..

Nowadays.. i feel that my distance between God is so far at times..
The heart gets tainted easily..
I'm trying as hard as possible to cleanse it and work towards my aspirations..
Insya-Allah..



Life is a neverending journey , where we build character all the time apparently..

حَسۡبُنَا ٱللَّهُ وَنِعۡمَ ٱلۡوَڪِيلُ

Allah is Sufficient for us ! Most Excellent is He in Whom we trust..
  • what is in a name
i've not really understood, what do people really see in a name, sure sometimes names can be very weird.. very funny..
but it never reflects who you are as a person..
So i don't really place any value in the name of a person..
I'm more interested.. in the person who is named so and so..
What's the personality of that person..

You can have the most beautiful name in the world.. with all the titles that you can ever attain in life..
If you're a jerk , you're still a jerk..
nothing changes that.. period

Those that really know me.. know that i loathe being ever called 'anak Datuk'
In fact all my siblings have the same feeling..
I hate being known as 'anak Datuk'
It doesn't mean that when you're one , you're automatically a jerk, you're wired with feelings of self entitlement..
Au contraire.. i don't really feel anything much..

You know , growing up in the shadows of my father is challenging..
An ex FMC student, Secretary General for UPM during his time , an avid and succesful sportsman , he played rugby , football , badminton etc2
He did his MBA somewhere in the 90's ... and he got best student.. WORLDWIDE..
talk about pressure..

Linky here..

I hate the name dropping culture
You know.. i once 'tegured' my father regarding his Datuk title..
I'm crazy that way.. hahaha
I said to him , in a way titles didn't mean anything much by God, the gelaran 'Tuan Haji' was much more important..
I was in form 4 or form 5 then..
aaahhh , the naivety of youth..
But after thinking of it.. no other country in the Muslim world calls the people who have done the pilgrimage - 'Haji/Hajjah'
Heck , if you go to Madinah or Makkah - they call everyone Haji/Hajjah..
Anyhow i'm still proud of my father..
He worked hard for that title , the funny part is that he got the first Datukship from the Sulu Sultanate for his work in advancing the agriculture sector there..
Then only he got it from Perak.. and Melaka who finally recognized him..

I loved being in Putrajaya Hospital..
I blended into the environment..
All people knew is that my father is a former governmant servant whose last job was in the private sector..
There were a lot of other bigger fish to distract them

I want to be known for who i am..
Not for .. i am the son to so and so..
I want to earn respect in my life..
I want people to treat me as they treat everyone else..
I don't want to be a fake..

This doesn't just applies to titles..
It applies to all..
Names don't decide who you are and how close you are by the side of God..
You decide who you are.. and act accordingly..
I hope somehow.. i've given the name Mohd Iqbal Harris justice..
  • on the edge of open revolt
A week back , i was on the verge of open revolt.. for some reasons which i don't really have any intent or will to divulge for now..

I just got my letter to go to Pahang..
I initially didn't really mind appealing to go somewhere south..
but for a few reasons.. i didn't really fancy that..
In a way, what i did was just putting my foot down
Hahaha i didn't really mind going anywhere..
Except for Sabah..

After not getting Seremban , i think i only ever considered Temerloh or HSI , JB
And even then , that was because of me having good friends at those two places..
That's why i was not really interested in going to Malacca in the first place, however convenient it may be

Life should never be controlled..
We become pitiful when we ever try to control it .. as most of the time we will fail spectacularly..
Sure i believe in preparing for the worst..
Working for what you want in life..
Trying as best as possible..
To get what you aim for

Never forget that there is always a wildcard factor..
Which is .. Fate.. as predetermined by Allah..
Man proposes , God Disposes..
For all the control that we try to exercise in life..
I always believe that some things we should just leave to chance..
We just have to throw caution into the wind..
In a way , Labuan was one of it for me.. it was left to chance..
Nothing was guaranteed..
But i've never regretted that.. it was just fate
  • the ungrateful , stubborn and headstrong one

  • speak softly..




Hmmmm some of my friends probably overestimate my degree of vindictiveness at times..
But i pride myself with the fact that, every time when i go to sleep at night..
I forgive every one who has ever wronged me or did an injustice to me..
As i'm afraid that i won't be waking up the morning after to do so..
Never sleep in anger..
Never sleep without letting go..
I always hope people do the same for me..
Forgive me every time.. every night..
There's no use in holding a grudge..
I know that.

But please never underestimate how cold hearted i can be ,
i've gone through a lot of things..
Things that have toughen me up..
People only ever get one chance with me, if you've ever done wrong by me..
You're marked out.. and so far , only one person has ever managed to do so..

The good thing is , i feel that i am a very good 'comparmentalizer'
I comparmentalize my life, i do not like to put everything in one basket@bet..
I did that once when i was in primary school.. i came out very disappointed with one of my good friends.. i've not spoken to him ever since..
So now, i'm very good at dividing and comparmentalizing my life..
No one person knows anything much about me..
i share a little bit here and there..
but never everything..
Even with that labuan person, i never really did share anything of note..
it's probably a trust issue..

Don't get me wrong.. this is not me being bitter..
I'm just being very honest with myself..

This may sound very very very very very very very very very very very very very corny coming from me..
I would have never imagined saying this... ever
Sure i was disappointed by love..
But i don't think i've lost hope..
Probably my hope is as strong as ever...
I've always grown up thinking , that one day i'll find someone right for me..
Someone who'll just make my day with her smile..
God Willing Insya-Allah

Haha i have very weird standards
The problem is when it's complicated also by other people's requirement and standards..
Even finding someone who i'm enamoured with is hard..
And when i find that person..
Everything is just a bit darn complicated by other things..

The problem with me , is that i am such a blardy headstrong and stubborn person..
I always believe that what i do , who i choose, how i choose..
Is always right..
Is the correct choice..
Some may attest to this fact.. some have come into first hand experience of how i can be..
How stubborn i am..
Haha the best example would be in Putrajaya ..
For the past 2 years , there were some discrete attempts by friends to 'encourage' me towards Faya..
Well , it was not so discrete.. Abbas was very vocal about it..
He once said to me that he feels i'm not appreciated..
What wise words, in hindsight le katakan..
Even Labuan suggested it.. which in truth was quite insulting..
To tell the truth , i've never considered or been ever moved to try and do something..
We're very close , like brother and sister.. and that's all there is to it..
We work very well together.. but that does not mean i have to marry her..
It was very platonic.. I knew that from the start..
That's why i always think that i'm right..
Hahahaha.. i'm the person who knows it all..

Let me just be frank and straightforward..
My main worry and peeve is that i'll be stuck with someone dull and stupid..
Looks count for nothing after 10 or more so years..
Being stuck with someone who won't try
Someone who won't reciprocate
This is my greatest fear..
Relationships where people do not try - will never work..

This issue now is just..
that i've fallen for someone,
I don't see the need to tell someone if i've fallen for them..
The last time i did so.. , was not that succesful..
To be honest.. i don't see it being reciprocated.. hence my 'reluctance'

Haha paling tak tahan cadangan faya..
She gave me a deadline of one week to go up to that person and say..
"Saya suka kat so and so... saya tanak bazir masa.. buleh masuk meminang je terus tak?"
hahahahahhahaha

Chances are 100 000 000 : 1
It is so damn unlikely anything will happen..
The chances are very miniscule and minute..
Probably nearing 0 - kebarangkalian mencecah 0
I'm not doing anything..
I'm just winging it..
I have my misgivings about it..
I'm feeling a bit unworthy..
Feeling a bit far from God..
But i probably need to get it out my system..
I leave it to Allah on how to deal with this.. HE knows best..



For now.. i'm just content waiting by the sidelines..
Admiring the person..
As that is already joy enough for me..
Lalalalala...
I know..
I'm a lost cause..
hahahaha...



Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by God's decree.
If something is meant to go elsewhere , it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny , from you it cannot flee
Umar Al-Khattab
  • Waiting for my huckleberry friend
Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.



In the end, the question is not whether i've moved on..
In truth , i've moved on..
It's just that i'm now leaving things to chance..

Maybe it's just my way of doing things..
but hey , it's my way or the highway..

I'm just waiting for my huckleberry friend....

Looking back , i have this to regret, that too often when i loved, I did not say so
- David Grayson

I hope to dance... someday... probably..
hahahahah
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