Sorry for the big gap between posts.. I suddenly had the urge to just post something here.. after almost about 3 years of inactivity.. was a bit occupied with work , getting married, a baby :)
So .. here's a picture of our baby who was born on the 10th of December 2013 at 9.49 a.m.
Introducing our bundle of joy(at times with a bundle of poop in the diapers)
Hana Maryam
Alhamdulillah :)
Will take awhile to put everything up.. a bit busy with cleaning and clearing things up
so stay tuned...
Well.. 21st of November came and went .. without much fuss.. Maybe it was earlier than that but.. officially that was the date that the fiasco ended finally..
To say that i would like to turn back time and do things another way.. would probably be a lie.. Hindsight is always a good thing.. but i would probably be different person if these things did not happen.. Who am i to say what will happen in life.. i did not have a clue then.. and i don't have a clue now.. Even though unbelievable.. i am still going on a day to day basis.. I tried planning ahead last time around.. that didn't really work out for me..
Well , i'm not sure whether i've mentioned this in my past posts@moans.. But it wasn't really that hard to walk away.. sure the month of november 2010 i was breaking my head trying to reason everything out .. to come to a decision of what to do.. Agonizing over the direction i would take.. in the end , the decision was easy probably.. I probably told some of my close friends what actually happened.. but not the full version of it kot..
Buat istikharah.. quite a few times.. and actually had a long chat about 2-3 times if i'm not mistaken with Netball.. Well on the 21st .. buat lagi satu round.. a very long one after zohor and asar.. then tertidur.. that night i was due to actually call someone... and masa asar tuh mimpi la.. One of the more weirder dreams i've ever had kot.. well i was by the seaside.. with a very close friend.. and there was someone drowning out in the sea.. and i swam to save ( technically in real life i don't swim - so as not to give false expectations that i would actually save someone drowning kan) - well the close friend gave me a thumbs up.. and probably weirdly i took that as a signal that this was the end of the road for me and Netball.. Not sure who i saved, but i'm quite sure who was on the seaside with me.. And no.. not divulging who though.. some secrets i bring to the grave..
In the aftermath of that.. i probably went into rebound.. There were 2 of them.. one more than the other.. It was a bit severe.. the rebound.. But i think i probably found myself in familiar territory.. In the sense that this was Deja' Vu.. I felt that this situation seemed familiar.. Probably , i didn't want to go through another 8 years of what i just came out of.. Something not reciprocal.. probably just a bit too tired for that.. To say that i wasn't tempted and tried would be a lie kot.. some knew of what i actually did.. with varying degrees of support.. haha but probably it wasn't to be.. With a heavy heart i tried to move on.. to a degree of success insya-Allah..
This is a song for my crushes and rebound.. I wish them all the best.. and hope that they'll find someone nice..
Being bitter -some may actually think that i'm a bit bitter in the aftermath of all this.. which is very far from the truth.. sure it sucked.. the way that it was conducted.. with all the stories that 'people actually sat down with me and had a talk' circulating among mutual friends.. It also didn't help the fact that an obfuscated individual actually walked up to mutual friends and try to justify what they did.. Choice phrases from the conversations would be.. 'masuk line awal' 'kampung pengantin'
This in truth actually peeved me initially.. I felt it was a bit juvenile added with the fact that i've done nothing at all.. I just kept quiet and went on my way.. Even if i did say a thing it was to close friends or to actually deny things that were untrue.. I believe in maintaning form and observing politeness.. Courtesy is important for me.. I do not slander.. I do not speak of untruths.. It is just not me.. I'm not bitter.. i probably WAS just a bit peeved then.. Nowadays.. i just don't bother with it anymore.. I just hope to be civil and polite.. I'm not bitter.. I probably told this to Kak Dell.. i feel something .. but i can't really describe it properly.. but anyhow i wish the best and it is my hope that i do not come across anymore untrue or juvenile stories.. We should actually act our age and be able to tell what is wrong and what is right.. Everyone is old enough to actually think for themselves .. Live long and prosper.. whatever..
By my book.. Alhamdulilah i've not wronged anyone..
On another note , some may say i've actually stopped talking to them in the aftermath of all this.. I probably can't deny this .. as i feel that i need to cut my exposure to hypocrites.. This may be a strong word.. but those involved should just actually look themselves in the mirror.. I do not need to be patronized.. or even pitied.. no thanks..
To put it succintly and politely.. You can just get lost for all i care.. This is not hate talking.. this is just apathy..
I am grateful for good friends that i have.. Who called it as it is.. Faya.. Abbas.. K.Naiemah.. Lydia.. Didi.. Kak Dell.. Kak Dija.. Kak Meha.. Din.. Cherap.. Most of them were brutally honest with me.. Thank you for that.. I was the one who did not heed their advise..
Napoleon Bonaparte once said -A true man hates no one. I don't really I'm very much a glass half-full kind of guy..I am glad i'm still that way even after what has happened.. the trials and tribulations of life shouldn't bring us down.. it is only supposed to make us stronger..
Sure experience can be too harsh a teacher.. but there's no good will come from just sitting around and complaining..
Now i just want to advance...
Advance, and never halt, for advancing is perfection. Advance and do not fear the thorns in the path, for they draw only corrupt blood. Khalil Gibran
Life is easier to take than you think; all that is necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable and bear the intolerable. - Kathleen Norris-
Happy birthday to you.. Happy birthday to you.. Happy birthday to KP.. Happy birthday to you.. Mana hadiah daa?
Liking this picture...
p/s - i'm slightly addicted to one republic.. so i'm ending it with a song from them.. lalalala...
I need another story Something to get off my chest My life gets kinda boring Need something that I can confess
'Til all my sleeves are stained red From all the truth that I've said Come by it honestly I swear Thought you saw me wink, no I've been on the brink, so
Tell me what you want to hear Something that were like those years I'm sick of all the insincere So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time Don't need another perfect line Don't care if critics ever jump in line I'm gonna give all my secrets away
My God Amazing that we got this far It's like we're chasing all those stars Who's driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news, all the problems that we could solve And when a situation rises, just write it into an album Seen it straight to go I don't really like my flow, no, so
Tell me what you want to hear Something that were like those years I'm sick of all the insincere So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time Don't need another perfect line Don't care if critics ever jump in line I'm gonna give all my secrets away
Oh, got no reason, got not shame Got no family I can blame Just don't let me disappear I'mma tell you everything
So tell me what you want to hear Something that were like those years I'm sick of all the insincere So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time Don't need another perfect line Don't care if critics ever jump in line I'm gonna give all my secrets away
So tell me what you want to hear Something that were like those years Sick of all the insincere So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time Don't need another perfect line Don't care if critics ever jump in line I'm gonna give all my secrets away
Last start with an old song i heard on the radio recently...
A song from Gary Moore.. And no.. don't get any ideas...
Another song from Rondaan Salji...
The perfect words never crossed my mind Cause there was nothing in there but you I felt every ounce of me , screaming out But the sound was trapped deep in me
All I wanted just sped right past me But I was rooted fast to the eart I could be stuck here for a thousand years Without your arms to drag me out
There you are , standing right in front of me There you are , standing right in front of me All this fear falls away, you leave me naked Hold me close , cause I need you to guide me to safety
No, I won't wait forever No, I won't wait forever
In the confusion and the aftermath You are my Signal fire The only resolution and the only joint Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes
There you are , standing right in front of me THere you are, standing right in front of me All this fear falls away, You leave me naked Hold me close , cause I need you to guide me to safety
There you are , standing right in front of me THere you are, standing right in front of me All this fear falls away, You leave me naked Hold me close , cause I need you to guide me to safety
No , I won't wait forever No , I won't wait forever No , I won't wait forever
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My oldest friend... - Azamil Izzat...
- recently my friend celebrated his 27th birthday on the 24th of February.. up to date he's been my oldest friend.. and no one will be taking him anytime soon.. hahaa - i met azamil when we were in standard 1.. we were in the same class from standard 1 -5 and in standard 6 we were in different classes.. - We were also then in the same class until Form 3 .. both of us went to Seaport when in 1998 we went our separate ways.. he went to MCKK .. i went to MRSM Jasin.. - I don't really see him much nowadays.. maybe every 4-6 months.. Last year i went down to KK with Mior and Nik to visit him.. It was fun.. 4 kepala bengong in the same place.. haha masa tuh siap suruh die tgk2 kan houses to rent in Labuan.. a bit the loser.. -Last time around.. most of the time i would copy his Agama homework and he would copy my BI homework.. - It' s been 20 years.. and that is a very very very very long time.. - We don't talk much.. but everytime we do.. we're on the same wavelength.. Anyway mate.. happy birthday.. and here's to you reminding me every month of your birthday.. bangkai.. haha __________________________________________
Operation Eagle...
- currently i'm trying to trace 2 of my friends.. Mawardi and Ameer.. -Ameer at least i have his phone number , the problem lies with Mawardi.. he's in the wind.. untraceable.. in a way.. uncontactable.. - I'm trying to arrange a reunion for the six of us.. - Me , Zakuan and Iqbal Saidi are game for it.. Baras has a bit of commitment issues seeing that he's in Penang now..
Venues - hmmm hard to choose.. would depend on whether i'm able to contact those two.. Miri may be a bit too costly for everyone.. Maybe Penang or even the eastern side of Malaysia..
I'm really2 hoping this comes off.. I at least want to meet the five of them before we go on our way in life..
while sifting through my old friendster account.. i came across this.. The about me and a subsequent description.. tk ingat sape yg tulis.. it was so long ago..
-i have not updated this blardy profile for 2 years- -i LOVE SPINAL TB@Pott's Disease- -no i do not live in western sahara- -i am just looking up words in the dictionary to type here so as to obfuscate all of you reading my profile- - a very disturbed and obssesive person - -i am currently updating my profile for no reason at all- -avid liverpool fan( so bugger off you man utd fans)- -i am not looking for err..'my jodoh'- just to clear that up -my life is very mundane but that's going to change very soon.. aaahh- -dreading the day i start work in Kementerian Kejahatan Malaysia- -medical school has made me into a very cynical person.. and somehow i'm lazier than before- -i am fascinated by history and this doesn't make me a loser- -i've been cut off from a lot of friends from primary and secondary school.. due to my isolation from civilization in IMU Batu Pahat- -heck from primary school i just keep in contact with yash and azamil- ( the yearly testimonial) -i am not interesting- -i love the simpsons- -i someday dream of watching football in the kop(anfield),liverpool- -i love freebies- -i love it when people pay for my meal(hint) especially when it's an expensive one- -don't smoke, don't drink, it's just that i eat a lot :P- -i need money... lots of it- -somehow i love quite a lot of oldies songs(i.e beatles,beach boys, elvis)- -i am bored- -i am vulgar when no one is watching- -i am no longer filled with angst.. i currently have adult apathy (and no it's not a p*rn flick)- -oh yeah i don't do drugs. see i'm very dull- -has had his fill of politics and wish all the mean old men to go away now- -Apathy is me , me is apathy- -i do not want to wake up from sleep- -my sleeping time is usually 4.30a.m.- -i am what i am- -i am proud of what i am- -i have clear and general goals in life- - klasmate : ) - -i am not gay haha- -i am LAZY- -i love comic books- -mempunyai tahap tulah yg sangat tinggi-
in primary school.. most probably i was the one regarded as the silent creepy boy who's in the mainstream crowd.. also in secondary school.. i was much more silent and creepier.. and now.. to think of it.. i'm still the silent creepy guy... haha kidding.. changed quite a bit since last time...
1.hyperemetic. 2.sensitif terhadap perkataan n**b*ll.. 3.menubuhkan tabung kebajikan demi kemaslahatan diri-e.g isi minyak kereta,membeli komik,etc.. 4.menghalusinasikan diri sebagai HoTties.. 5. menamakan tempat kediaman e.g- villa c**t* keny*r.. 6.gatal2 yg berpanjangan.. 7.kecenderungan mengugut teman2 dgn menggunakan cuaca sbg faktor. 8.selalu bersedih - (melancholy temperament) 9.cenderung utk terjun dari balkoni pada malam sblm peperiksaan. _________________________________________
Operation Aussie.. - this project is on ice.. no one is really actively moving to make this project work.. hahaha probably when i'm much more stable in Temerloh.. and have access to a better internet connection.. i'll look into it insya-Allah _______________________________________________ Operation Malaysia..
-well.. JB is done.. now on to Singapore pulak.. which technically is not Malaysia then rite.. -hmmm i'm thinking of kangar... kelantan and maybe sibu or miri whichever one where gabbymon is in.. just to finish my credit shell.. hahaha _______________________________________________
Operation Turkey or Operation Birmingham
- i am actually thinking of birm or turkey..probably either one.. maybe both kalu takda kerja sangat kan.. - i really want to go for a match in liverpool either that or go to turkey.. i vaguely remember my last visit to turkey.. still remember going to the blue mosque.. it's a beautiful country.. tapi tuh la.. nak carik travel companion susah pulak.. sebab price for turkey is higher end la sikit kot.. - we'll just see how things pan out
_________________________________________________ Operation Japan
- due to recent developments.. this will be put on hold for awhile probably.. - i'm not sure whether the trip will be on or not.. - i have a 3400 ringgit in credit shell under my name.. had some trouble getting that credit shell even.. after a 40 ringgit call only did i manage to get that.. nasib baik.. if not it meant i had to deal with an unsavoury character to get my money back..
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Temerloh - a sufficient distraction for now..
- in truth i'm bored.. - i'm pissed with the work culture - for now.. it's proving a sufficient distraction.. but something is missing.. and i can't really quite put a finger on what it is.. - humans will never be satisfied kan? haha ________________________________________________
Tearing my left TFCC and injuring my right DRUJ ligament..
- i think i tore my left TFCC ligament when i played during my last futsal tournament.. can't really remember if i was hit on my hand.. as usual during a tournament.. things happen so fast.. you can't really remember anything in those adrenaline filled moments.. - well anyway.. now i can't really lift anything heavy with my left hand without it being painful.. reduced power during palmarflexion.. and it's not really improving for the past 2months.. bosannye nak habiskan duit for MRI... i had already planned to do an MRI for my left shoulder, back and now have to consider my left wrist lak.. haha maybe next year..
well my right DRUJ joint feels much better.. it felt a bit lax last time.. after the fall masa 'ice skating' - that was a fiasco.. haha
A moth edging towards the flame... and the virtues of decisiveness..
Maybe being decisive is a curse.. but i pity the people who have problems making a decision.. living in uncertainty.. unsure of what to do..unable to commit to a decision.. i knew someone like that once.. she couldn't make a decision due to some misguided believe that she was showing me mercy.. that's bullshit.. Haha maybe what kak azlin said to me was true.. but me being the persistent fool that i am.. will just always do what i want.. haha
I am not one to flip-flop with my decisions.. Sure i make stupid ones.. but i stick to it.. haha I fear i may have made another one.. but i'm content with it.. I wouldn't have it any other way.. At times i think i'm just too foolish for my own good.. Unfortunately , i'm just wired that way.. I believe there's no other way to live life.. Never compromise.. compromising is just for wussies.. those who flip flop in life.. undecided and just following the flow You have to do what you want.. even though it feels stupid and foolish.. It's about being true to yourself.. it's about living..
Every man dies. Not every man really lives - William Wallace -
I have my crappy moments.. but i'll survive.. THe improtant thing is.. never be a victim.. be a survivor.. Whenever you have feelings of self-pity for yourself.. stamp it out.. it's pathetic.. i do not want to do anything that may result in things that even i can't repair/fix.. i can mend myself as much as i want.. but other people.. i don't want to.. I'm not breaking things that even i can't mend.. in the end, it feels like i'm digging the grave deeper and deeper.. haha but who cares... in the end .. i just do what i want and what makes me happy.. even though for a fleeting moment..
it's just like a moth edging towards the flame.. let's just enjoy it while we can..
I just do my best and hope for the best.. We can't always get what we want.. but what we can do is just do the best.. I'll just do my best and hope someday it comes off .. insya-Allah..
If being decisive is a curse...I am fairly happy with it.. Yeah.. at times it can be crappy.. Heck who cares.. Only time will tell.. Only God Knows Why i follow this road.. Wallahuwa'lam.. For even i am unsure at times..
Monologue by Ted Mosby - Unfinished. GaudÃ, to his credit, never gave up on his dream. But that's not usually how it goes. Usually it isn't a speeding bus that keeps the brown, pointy, weird church from getting built. Most of the time it's just too difficult, too expensive, too scary. It's only once you've stopped that you realise how hard it is to start again, so you force yourself not to want it. But it's always there. And until you finish it, it will always be...
There's just something about his voice that shivers the heart...
A string of quotes from John Eldredge..
In the heart of every man is a desperate desire for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.
I want to live my whole life like that. I want to love with much more abandon and stop waiting for others to love me first.
Life is not a problem to be solved; it is an adventure to be lived. A man just won't be happy until he's got adventure in his work, in his love and in his spiritual life..
When it comes to living and loving, what's required is a willingness to jump in with both feet and be creative as you go
Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner Sometimes I feel like my only friend Is the city I live in, the city of angels Lonely as I am, together we cry
I drive on her streets 'cause she's my companion I walk through her hills 'cause she knows who I am She sees my good deeds and she kisses me windy I never worry, now that is a lie
Well, I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day Take me to the place I love, take me all the way I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day Take me to the place I love, take me all the way Yeah, yeah, yeah
It's hard to believe that there's nobody out there It's hard to believe that I'm all alone At least I have her love, the city she loves me Lonely as I am, together we cry
Well, I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day Take me to the place I love, take me all the way Well, I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day Take me to the place I love, take me all the way Yeah, yeah, yeah
Hold me, oh no, no, yeah, yeah Love me, I say yeah, yeah (Under the bridge downtown) (Is where I drew some blood) Is where I drew some blood
(Under the bridge downtown) (I could not get enough) I could not get enough
(Under the bridge downtown) (Forgot about my love) Forgot about my love
(Under the bridge downtown) (I gave my life away) I gave my life away
Yeah, yeah, yeah (Away) No, no, no, yeah, yeah (Away) No, no, I say, yeah, yeah (Away) Here I stay.
Haha probably the next one is a sort of generic prayer.. not intended for anyone in particular..
a song for the faithful..
I've seen what you can do I've seen you make miracles and hopeless dreams come true You've made the heavens and the stars Everything, come on how hard Could it be?
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I'm suddenly moved to write about my grandfathers.. in particular atuk Baba.. Well.. i did only ever meet only one of my grandfathers.. his name was Baba bin Arshad.. He was the grandfather on my mother's side.. This year is the 20th anniversary that he left us..
I did not have the chance to meet my grandfather on my father's side and my grandmother on my mother's side..
I have 3 grandmothers.. 2 direct grandmothers and another one is a step grandmother.. Atuk Babay remarried after his first wife passed away due to oesophageal cancer...
Well enough of digressing.. The only thing i remember of Atuk Baba was that he had a temper.. as per many of our family members.. maybe it's a Malacca thing kot.. He was not really and expressive person.. He was quite stern with his children.. To think of it.. he rarely smiled much.. either he was frowning.. or he had a neutral expression je.. or maybe i can't remember much as i was still a child.. But he loved his grandchildren dearly.. Anytime we would go back to Malacca.. he would complain of us not informing him before coming back.. He'll take his old bike and cycle to town to buy us nasi lemak packets.. Haha my grandfather nih kuat berdehem.. if he didn't like something mula la die..
I don't really have much of a recollection of him.. It's been 2 years since i've had the chance to visit his grave .. which is a normal ritual for our family during raya.. During raya we would always visit the graves of my grandfather and grandmother who is laid to rest next to my Pak Long.. My Pak Long passed away earlier than my grandfather.. We would go at 6.00a.m. in the morning .. and one of the elder cousins would bawakkan tahlil for us then..
He was a very hardworking man, by profession he was a carpenter.. but he also had his own paddy field and some cattle.. He passed away in 1991.. He was working in his 'kebun' , trying to get rid of some bamboo trees, he set it on fire and unfortunately he was stuck in it as it spread to fast.. He succumbed due to injuries sustained in the fire.. I remember we rushed back to Malacca that afternoon and he passed away somewhere before Maghrib.. My family proceeded with the pengebumian that night.. i remember being in the graveyard at midnight.. and the person yang talkinkan dia was Allayarham Sidi Abdul Rashid( who i also miss greatly ) - Sidi Rashid told us that my grandfather meninggal dalam keadaan syahid kecil ( due to the fire ) ...
It is a pity i was not able to get to know him better.. as i was still a child then.. haha when i was little.. they called me Pewai.. as i was not able to walk until i was 2 years old..
Atuk Baba, Dah 20 tahun atuk pegi.. Moga2 atuk ditempatkan di kalangan org2 yg beriman insya-Allah..
Al- Fatihah kepada.. Nenek Majun ( who is my great grandmother ) -passed away in 1997 due to PGU.. Atuk Daud - passed away long before i was born due to leukaemia.. Nenek Siti - passed away due to oesophageal cancer. she was an adopted daughter from a chinese family.. so i'm 1/8 chinese la konon.. Wo Besar.. - my step grandmother.. passed away circa 1998-99 Pak Long Ripin.. Mak Ngah Limah and Pak Ngah Rahman.. Pak Lang Mat.. Sidi Abdul Rashid And to all my family members and semua muslimin muslimat..
May Allah bless your souls and shower HIS divine Mercy on all of you Insya- Allah..
