Cravings...

hmm my last call was on saturday..
Nothing out of the ordinary for me..
no more calls for this month.. feels a bit empty.. a bit financially challenged..
My next day of work is on Wednesday..
The pro and cons of shit.. i mean shift..
days off.. no regular working hours..
but i need to find things to do to occupy time..

and i start off a monday morning by having cravings...

trying to stave off the thoughts of

Chocolate cheese cake...

Chocolate mud pie


Chocolate chip ice cream...
Get the general theme? hmmmmm at least cravings can go away when your busy working..
Hahaha... need to push away all the thoughts of chocolate.. at least after futsal.. maybe a bite after futsal..
Can't wait for futsal.. on a scoring streak now..

from cheeze chocolate cake.. i got to this song.. talk about loose association..



Random funny pic of the day which i came across from my blog.. very2 far away in 2005

p/s- at least i don't need to beg and grovel in front of the HOD of radiology for this mammogram.. and the subsequent accompanying formal report..

Adios amigos..

Winging It...

** Post under construction **
Estimated time of completion - 5.00a.m. 14/1/2011
Current time 9.12p.m.13/1/2011

Number of words written : 0

We apologize for the inconvenience as the writer is dragging all the things from his brain out..

p/s- as i was typing.. my computer blanked out for a while and lost the 1000words or so that i've written.. so please expect delays..
_____________________________________________________________________

My process of blogging usually starts with an idea..
Then the idea starts to snowball and mature for the next few days..
Most of it are just random points that i'll think off for a course of a few days
The ideas would usually snowball over a period of a few days and it won't stop snowballing until i've had the chance to put anything into writing

I can't really remember the reason why i started blogging in the first place..
Jap2.. let me take a look ..
hahaha my first post was in the vicinity of 2005 and the the title of my first post was titled
- i see butts
That explains a lot..
I feel that blogging is a sort of release.. where i am able to write about things that i find a bit hard to say probably ..
I always feel that writing gives me a sense of freedom..
I can express my ideas.. of what i want to say..
Words leave much more to the imagination compared to videos and stuff..
God i'm digressing

The Mortals/Immortals and The Will
Returning back to point , well as maybe some has read previous posts where i mentioned that i recently received a 37 year old man , who died out of the blue

I am actually quite comfortable with my mortality
I do not think it's something that i should be afraid of
I am not fascinated by death or anything
I am not depressed..
There's no suicidal ideation.. no attempts
I just think it should not be a taboo topic..
I think we should just be ready
If it's my time.. it's my time.. why beat yourself up over fate?
In my life, i always just pray for it to be sufficient.. nothing in excess...

I still remember my BM teacher from MRSM Jasin.. Cikgu Amin Rohani..
He once mentioned to us , that we humans forget that every second, every minute and every hour time passes - the shorter the time that we have here ..
People tend to forget that.. That's why he explained to me, he always wishes people , Selamat Tua on their birthdays.. Just for reminder sake

Unfortunately some of us forget

I distinctly remember that i've actually written a will previously ..
I have misplaced it.. it probably is in my safe box kot.. dah lama tak carik balik bendenya..
Well i don't have many things of worth to leave to my family and friends..
It was more of an apology letter to family and friends and some kind of declaration..
It was a letter asking for forgiveness and some parting words.. just in case i didn't have the chance to say it..
In view of recent developments , i probably need to revise that will..

Unfortunately sometimes we forget that

كُلُّ نَفۡسٍ۬ ذَآٮِٕقَةُ ٱلۡمَوۡتِ

The regrets
The friends who work with me, will attest that i'm probably some kind of workaholic
I don't really mind staying back to do my notes and all the procedures..
Some say i work slow.. some say i am a workaholic
Hmm i probably get the workaholic part from my father..
I think maybe it's just due to the fact that i take great pride in my work..
It is a reflection of self..

I would like to think that i live by the credo..
Work Hard, Play Hard, Love Hard , Die Hard
probably need to add Think Hard to that..

It's not i don't enjoy my holidays or anything..
I just feel that .. how can you appreciate your day offs , if you come to work and take a day off?
It's like saying.. you won't be able to appreciate a sunny day without having cloudy days..

It was sad that i let myself go and somehow my work became a bit sloppy
I was not able to function for a few days.. i even had to take a day off.. that was embarassing..
I've only probably ever told this to Kak Dell je kot.. didn't have the time to tell anyone else..
The day before i was supposed to leave , i had a meeting with my superior.
I was supposed to my VIVA , submit my log book and everything.. well i didn't really manage to do all.. i just requested some time off and attributed it to personal reasons.
At the end of it i was warned that i'll be getting a bad remark in my record..
It's a pity to see something i worked so hard for.. reduced to that by my moment of weakness.. I don't expect sympathy.. I just expected myself to be stronger..

I also probably regret.. that i may have treaded and stepped on a few foots in my single mindedness..
Probably it just shows that i am just human
But it is still regrettable

The attempts and the judgment error
Nowadays when i go out with my friends.. it seems i'm bombarded with the same questions..
Are you going for someone new now..
Have you found someone new?
Etc2 you get the drift

Well much better than these questions
Bile nak pindah?
Bile pg Labuan?
Bile nak kawen?

Some have even attempted to match make lagi..
In truth it's a bit funny .. i'm not sad or anything..
I'm just indifferent now..

Haha recently when i was on my on call - an O&G specialist brought in his mother in law for a complaint , while waiting for his mother in law to be examined by my colleague, he sat down next to me and we started talking( hint - he just came back from a hospital in a federal territory island in the vicinity of sabah) . In a way he was probably trying to counsel me , throughout it i was just trying to hold in my glee and laughter. But the part that takes the cake comes later, then he gave me tips.. he said... why not go for someone much2 younger.. say a 20 year old .. someone i could mold in my image.. by then i was already pissing in my pants..
haha thank god it was the end of that then..

I don't feel the need to find someone to shape into my image..
Someone to blindly follow what i say..
That would be damn boring and monotonous probably..
Correction..
That would be damn boring and monotonous
I need someone who complements me..
Someone who would understand my jokes
Who would put up with my idiosyncrasies
I don't need a follower to stand behind me..
I need someone to stand beside me..
Someone to laugh with me , not to laugh at me..
I don't want to be a fuddy-duddy
Someone to enjoy the fireworks.. ( unfortunately the previous person was also afraid of real fireworks.. haha what a pity)
After the past few years.. i need someone who reacts and is a bit mildly proactive probably

The things that i always feel paramount when i look for a person are..
Heart and Intelligence..
Without these two.. it's never worth it..

It is not that i do not want to move on..
I just feel that i committed a very bad judgment error..
It is not a judgment error that i regret..
It is a judgment error which has shaped who i am today..
And i don't regret that..
but nevertheless it was an oversight on my part
And now i've found myself at times second guessing my thoughts and decision
Which in truth is quite natural
However now i find it a bit troublesome to trust people..
When do you say it's time to open up and probably invest any degree of feelings..

I've not really been attracted or taken with anyone much
how do you really start trusting people after that debacle/fiasco?

Even the ones that feel a bit more natural..
the ones that i am even slightly enamoured with are scary and 'inappropriate'
For want of a better word to describe it.. 'inappropriate' probably fits best

I just want to make sure the third time will be the last..
It has to be for the right reasons..
It has to be natural and seamless..
Not due to pressure or anything..
As for now.. i can't really be bothered by disappointment again..
For now kena hati kering la sikit kot..

In the end , i am just probably searching for someone who will stand beside me in this life and the next..
Staring at the sky mostly..
Probably when it rains .. i'll pull out an umbrella for us..
Maybe at times just sitting in the rain
Staring far into the horizon
Smiling at each other
Holding my hand

I sincerely hope third time's the charm...

The depression
Well , some of my friends still think that i'm still a bit depressed.. hahaha
Due to the fact that i've not gotten a haircut since returning from the federal territory of nowhere..
How wrong they are..

Yeah probably i've put off a few things on my to do list..
but it is more to do with the fact that i am just a lazy bugger and the fact that i am almost bankrupt

Things to do on my list
- get an ipod touch
- get a haircut
- annoy friends by not getting a haircut
- get my posting done and over with
- intubate patients as much as possible
- buy plane ticket for didi's wedding
- plan for kulim in february

One of my friends also was afraid whether i would be stuck on the person for a prolonged period of time, and that'l i'll be comparing the next people who come through the revolving door..

Well.. i can say that i'm not putting that person on the pedestal anymore..
I'm done with the pedestal..
Anyone with heart and intelligence can win over that person anytime..
I always believe in judging people individually rather than relatively.. if you get what i mean..

I'm fairly happy now for reasons unknown to myself..

The promise
I spoke to Kak Dell , Abbas and Cherap in general about things..
It took a while for me to get my head straight..
To buck up and fly straight.. and cut out the funny stuff..
I made a promise to them and more to myself that probably now is a time for self improvement..

I need to become
a better doctor..
A better son..
A better man..
A better friend..
A better servant..
A better person all round..
To stop rebounding..

For my sake and not for the sake of anyone else..

The small little things in life and managing expectations
I probably need to adopt my approach that i take when i go for my on calls
The days when i'm on call - i usually wake up and say to myself this will be the worst on call in my life..
I set my expectations low..
As when anything good happens..
I'll be pleasantly surprised.. For now i'll just keep the expectations low..
No need to aim for any big things..

I just to derive simple pleasures from the small things in life
- playing futsal with friends
- going to the mamak with friends
- a random stranger saying hi/assalamualaikum
- stupid jokes
- findings typos and grammatical mistakes in the clinical notes
- weird things the patients say
- etc

This is probably a good topic for the next post.. insya-Allah

The plan
Previously i probably was a part schemer/planner previously
In 2008 - the plan more or less went towards 'marriage'
Then in 2009 it was scaled back to picking a general year..
Early 2010 i scaled it back down to engagement.. almost by the end of the year i just settled on planning to be in the same hospital..
The accomodation , what posting ..
I was thinking of doing anaesthesiology as i heard orthopaedic sucked big time there..
It was a way of preparing myself for my future field then.. as orthopaedics require a 6 months attachment as an intensivist..
When everything came out.. it was very overwhelming and daunting..

I discussed with Abbas and Cherap during the middle of last year, regarding purchasing 'a long term investment' - buying a house , it was supposed to be somewhere in Bangi.. it was a corner lot.. 2 storey terrace house.. haha the decision was based on a conversation i had with someone from the past.. she was saying she liked the bangi area - well for some reason i followed suit.. ( this was not really discussed with her) - konon plan for the future la..
The sale and purchase agreement was already on my table. but somehow i decided against it.. maybe i saw the signs.. maybe i didn't really want to put my financial savings into something uncertain.. but ultimately i didn't go along with it.. Alhamdulilah

Well coming back to point, i had a few troubles with the so called 'plan' from this point forward..
After thinking about it for the past few months - i've drawn up a general plan of what to do..
It can probably divided into 2 main parts..

The 1st part - Live
The 2nd part - Die

The other thing that i've decided is where i want to be buried when i die..
Seeing as i'm not attached..
My 1st choice would be - Makam Haji Said, Ampangan
2nd choice - Masjid Tanah, Malacca
Maybe if i ever became attached .. next to that person..

Then the next point would be that i've decided on a surgical based posting
I'm leaning towards orthopaedic insya-Allah
Not sure where i'm going to do it..
I may consider anaesthesiology.. to get a bit more of experience..

I'm not being morbid or anything - i'm just being practical and planning for the FUTURE..
Maybe a bit too far forward.. but it's still technically the future
I'm an idealist. I am not sure where i'm going but i am on my way..

I've not really come up with anything much between the 1st and 2nd part of the plans
For now i am just living on a day to day basis
I am not sure what tomorrow holds for me
But i wait with bated breath
It's so damn exciting to see what's going to happen next
I'm just winging it

P/s- i've got a song stuck in my head now, well at least it's much better than that ana rafali song yang faya dok humming masa jaga green ngan aku.. it took me a few days to get that out of my head.. at least this song sounds nice.. an english song sung by a malay girl..

hmmmmmm hmmmmm hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

____________________________________
Benjamin Franklin said
never leave that till tommorow, that you can do today...

He who hesitates is lost,
we can't pretend we've never been told..
by the poets and people before us
to seize the day
to take a chance
still sometimes we have to see for ourselves
we have to make our own mistakes
we have to learn our own lessons
we have to sweep today's possibilities
under tommorow's rug
until we' cant anymore
until we finally understand for ourselves
what benjamin franklin said..
that knowing is better than wondering..
that waking is better than sleeping
and that even the biggest failure
the worst most intractable mistake
beats the hell out of
never trying
sure i've made mistakes,
mistakes that i regret
up to this day
but
i can look at myself
in the mirror everyday
and say that..
i did try my best
and this is why
i can live with myself

Ain't No Reason..

There ain’t no reason things are this way.
Its how they always been and they intend to stay.
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.
Preachers on the podium speakin’ of saints in seance,
Prophets on the sidewalk beggin’ for change,
Old ladies laughing from the fire escape, cursing my name.
I got a basket full of lemons and they all taste the same,
A window and a pigeon with a broken wing,
You can spend your whole life workin’ for something
Just to have it taken away.
People walk around pushing back their debts,
Wearing pay checks like necklaces and bracelets,
Talking ‘bout nothing, not thinking ‘bout death,
Every little heartbeat, every little breath.
People walk a tight rope on a razors edge
Carrying their hurt and hatred and weapons.
It could be a bomb or a bullet or a pen
Or a thought or a word or a sentence.

There Ain't no reason things are this way.
It's how they always been and they intend to stay
I don’t know why I say the things I say, but I say them anyway.
But love will come set me free
Love will come set me free,I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.

Prison walls still standing tall,
Some things never change at all.

Keep on buildin’ prisons, gonna fill them all,
Keep on buildin’ bombs, gonna drop them all.
Working your fingers bear to the bone,
Breaking your back, make you sell your soul.
Like a lung that’s filled with coal, suffocatin’ slow.
The wind blows wild and I may move,
The politicians lie and I am not fooled.
You don't need no reason or a three piece suit to argue the truth.
The air on my skin and the world under my toes,
Slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes,
Chaos and commotion wherever I go, love I try to follow.

Love will come set me free
Love will come set me free, I do believe
Love will come set me free, I know it will
Love will come set me free, yes.

There ain't no reason things are this way
It’s how they always been and they intend to stay
I can't explain why we live this way, we do it everyday.

Jonah itu adalah hak milik setiap insan

Uish that was a good night's sleep.. prepping for my oncall with Kak Fizah..
Fingers crossed.. hopefully it'll be a good call..
In our department.. the ones that people want to avoid being on call with are.. Kak Fizah, Faya, Me, Kiran, Aznor, Idull, Shahrom@ Mak Ayam, Mat Duan.. satu2 known case of jonah ness tak terkawal..

Well here's to hoping..
Initially ingat nak post something..
but it was a bit too long.. and aku ngantuk makan Syrup Benadryl..
so that will be shelved for a bit..
HOpefully i'll finish writing that on Thursday insya-Allah.. - still mencarik ilham camana nak habiskan that post.. hahaha



Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden
That's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me
And just forget the world?

Logging off...
Bismillahhhhhhhhh
Let's chase cars.. muahahaha

Random song of the day..

COIs

A conflict of interest (COI) occurs when an individual or organization is involved in multiple interests, one of which could possibly corrupt the motivation for an act in the other.

A conflict of interest can only exist if a person or testimony is entrusted with some impartiality; a modicum of trust is necessary to create it. The presence of a conflict of interest is independent from the execution of impropriety. Therefore, a conflict of interest can be discovered and voluntarily defused before any corruption occurs.

COI is sometimes termed competition of interest rather than "conflict", emphasizing a connotation of natural competition between valid interests rather than violent conflict with its connotation of victimhood and unfair aggression. Nevertheless, denotatively, there is too much overlap between the terms to make any objective differentiation

Laugh..** UPDATING **

blogging from work.. needless to say... it's been a good night SO FAR... another 5 hours to go..

it's good if i can afford the time to surf.. baca football news.. baca blogs.. baca everything...

**TOUCHING WOOD**

- my slogan in life should be.. it ain't over till the fat lady sings...

Well- everything was fine and dandy throughout the whole shift until 7.15.a.m. when suddenly the bell rang 3 times ... siot..
The night shift was heaven.. the prior morning shift was - bad - 3 resus cases .. about -10 yellow cases probably.. nothing that i and Kak Azlin couldn't handle..

Me, Kak Azlin and DJ spent the whole night looking at about 10-15 green cases with a smattering of Pseudo-Yellow cases - while listening to Guns N Roses, Nirvana, Stone Temple Pilots , the Beatles and Valentina Hasan ( singing Ken Lee at the top of her voice ) ,

We were giggling through the whole night.. watching them on dailymotion as our hospital banned youtube to boost 'productivity'

Well coming back to resuscitation case.. it was a 37 year old man.. brought in dead- collapsed 1 hour prior to arrival while having Yam-Cha with his family.. no known medical illness.. a lot of small children..
CPR for 30 minutes.. intubated.. bagged.. nothing at all.. adrenaline and atropine tak jalan langsung.. my hands were sore and numb after that as we only had 3 people doing CPR.. it is still sore and numb now..

At the end of it.. i went home.. and after 2 hours of sleep .. i got the call with the one of the most 'perplexing' question ever.. apsal ko tak angkat telefon? someone from the hospital called me.. well.. after being oncall and everything i imagine it's only natural to want to sleep.. to each man his own devices..

I got the call that i had to come back to hospital that day.. to proceed with an autopsy for that patient.. being the most junior MO yg terlibat.. Forensic MO was stuck in Kedah and could only do it on Monday.. i still wonder why they didn't call the passive MO on-call and had to call the post-call MO..

Went back to Hospital at 2.30p.m. after regaining some sense of into my hands and some degree of consciousness.. this was my first autopsy , well i did 10 previously but that was in 2009 and i've totally forgotten how to open to rib cage and everything.. the one taught me a lot was Bob - who plays futsal with me.. die le yg banyak ngajar aku.. well after everything was done.. went out for lunch with Abbas dekat Masjid Putra.. ate some desser ( Secret Recipe) dgn Faya , Kak Izyan n Kak Zaliza in ED after that.. i only reached home at about 6.00p.m.. i slept from Maghrib up to 5.00.a.m.

and i've started the day .. by blogging... hahahah
i would have liked to continue with this post and talk about a few other things.. but probably i need to truncate my post as i am so damn hungry.. my last meal was lunch yesterday..

i can go for elective surgery now.. ahhaha
Will probably post the continuation of this post later.. insya-Allah

p/s - when i was annoyed on the way back to hospital..
this song came up twice... on radio..
if that isn't a cosmic signal.. hahahaha



Signing off for the second time..